IS FEMINISM MY CURSE FROM THE BIBLE???

Feminism and Christianity is probably one of the most controversial and sensitive topics that no one wants to tackle for fear of offending others. I remember attending the ‘Feminism & Christianity’ session in Mutare when I went for a 2 weeks intensive training on feminism and leadership. I walked out of that session more confused than ever as the questions raised by my sisters in that room were not fully answered by the moderator. So it has always been at the back of my head and it has been an inner struggle of mine to personally put together these two causes that I hold close to my heart. I badly wanted them to blend together and make sense.

Now 2 years down the line…after that confusing session in Mutare until the topic came up about a month ago during a bible study I do with my girls. The reading was from  Genesis 3  we all know the story of Adam, Eve and the cunning snake in the Garden of Eden right?! So fast forward a bit and get to the curses part which is from verse 14-19 but my interest is on verse 16 it says:

                                “…Your desire will be for your husband yet he will rule over you.”

And some versions even put it in simple English “…he will control you.”  <<<<<BOOOOOOOOOOM!!!! This is the root of all this inequality between men and women. Now please do not get me wrong am not saying all feminists want is to control men. No. We are fighting for equity. Justice.  No discrimination or violation based on sex. We are all equal regardless of what you have between your legs. Or at least this is what feminism means to me and I truly believe as a Christian God created as as equal and it even says so in the Bible.

But I feel this verse clearly explains to me where this struggle came from. From my previous blog post which you can read here www.umba040@blogspot.com/2014/06/where-did-we-leave-our-young-men.html?m=1 and I had some pretty interesting comments via my Facebook page which you can read on here www.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10203522904289556&id=1122732276

I was very interested to hear what men thought about that post and I had one man who commented through my inbox and whose identity will not be disclosed but I loved the honesty and sincerity of his response to this, here it is:

“I have a very unconventional mind. I love women who are strong willed, visionary and go getters. I do. Most of my good "girl" friends were exactly that....unfortunately most of us guys are not comfy with that kinda woman. It is almost natural to be intimidated by such...for majority of the guys. The flip side of it, women, should remember to respect their husbands...that's what a guy wants....dare I say by design...”

So in realizing that this struggle I battle with is from way back in time from the Garden of Eden it kinda sent chills down my spine as much as it shed some much needed light and I guess deep down I was always troubled that these two  most important things that form me somehow were not in sync.

I would love to hear from my fellow feminists on how they blend the two: religion and feminism. I would truly appreciate feedback J

WHERE DID WE LEAVE OUR YOUNG MEN???

I have had very interesting conversations for the past 2 weeks with young women in my life and I have also read a few thought-provoking blogs and poems that had me questioning whether strong independent women are only attractive on paper and no man really wants to be with one. One such poet who has captured my heart is Warsan Shire, she captures this matter very well (or maybe just to me..lol) in her poem titled “For women who are difficult to love” 

you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

                                               

From the young women I have been talking to and even from my very own experience with young men I have dated it all seems men just cannot handle a strong independent woman. At first they seem to be more accommodating; they let you be yourself and still do things you love to do. But as time passes by they ask you to make adjustments and act like a ‘proper’ woman. Now am not saying there is anything wrong with making adjustments when you’re in a relationship but you know there are some ‘extreme’ demands that your man can make that makes you go like “Oh hell no, now he’s trying to control me” typa demands. Those are the ones am talking about. Now we (me and most of my friends) are the part of the born free generation, we grew up in a society that was shaking off the stronghold of patriarchy and where gender equality was part of normal conversations. We are the generation that fully appreciated the freedom of dressing, speech and the likes. Somehow I feel like somewhere somehow young men got left behind, I feel throughout the revolution of women rights from the Beijing Conference to the present it seems like we left men in the Stone Age because we are clearly not on the same page.  I am aware of how family background and socialization has a great impact on how a man will behave in a relationship. 

But putting that aside: DO YOU FEEL IN REALITY MEN ARE AFRAID OF STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMEN? 

Please share your thoughts and personal experiences (if you don’t mind but that would be of great help as I don’t want this to just be categorized as one of those feminist rants, my experience and yours are valid ).

                                       

                                                   “The type of man who will be intimidated by me

                                                    Is the exactly the type of man I have no interest in.”

                                                                                ChimamandaNgoziAdichie

WHO ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION???

I have never had weight issues growing up, I never thought twice about my weight until recently. As a kid my parents were very concerned about my weight actually, I was stuffed with all sorts of vitamin tablets to boost my appetite and help me gain weight. Nothing changed. I slowly started gaining weight (now that I sit down and think about it) when I was in university probably in third or fourth year but still it was never an issue for me. It just didn’t matter to me. AT ALL. So since my weight gain somehow I have been overwhelmed with people’s remarks. People (family, friends, strangers) feel the need to comment on my weight and 98% percent of the comments are in a negative way, a way that makes me feel uncomfortable, sad, angry, depressed and ugly.

Two men precisely have said it straight to my face to lose weight because I look ugly. SHOCKING I KNOW but somehow they feel obligated to be “honest”.  I have had the worst remarks from people about my looks from “koma nde watupa tu” to “Koma nde mukazayamba kubeleka muzaphulika.” And every time I ask myself, are they even thinking before they say these things??? You would think the worst remarks would come from men but no, women too. What all these comments say to me is it’s not ok to be fat, fat is ugly. 

I remember one day having an outburst to one particular guy who was a friend of a friend who visited my house. This man mind you, is not fit in any way. He is tall, big and has a protruding belly but he had the nerve to tell me, in my house that if I gain any more weight I would look ugly. That was my “I have had enough of this shit” day for me and I told him looking straight in his eyes that at least I “might” look ugly some day but he was already fat so there was no chance for him at all. He was shocked and started apoligising.

But here is what I am saying: WHY do people feel obligated to say nasty things about people’s weight gain? WHY do they think no one is fine with being big and thick? I will probably never get to the bottom of this but all am saying is words cut deep, even to the strongest people, words HURT. People say it without thinking most of the times and apparently they are not trying to hurt any feelings but guess what, YOU DO! If your opinion is not asked, really, DON’T SAY ANYTHING. 

I have my own niece being bullied in school for being overweight, I don’t know what to say to her. I tell her she is beautiful but how does she believe me when the outside world is screaming ‘FAT’ to her face every chance they get. How does she believe me when I don’t even believe in my own beauty? I know people keep saying be comfortable in your own skin but tell me how to do it without judging me. Tell me how to love me when every chance you get you bring me down with your mouth? Self-love is a journey, that’s the one thing no one told me and I wish they had. It certainly does not happen overnight or even in a year, in the world we living in where women’s bodies are sexually objectified and the media portrays a woman’s beauty in a small figure and small waist am far from feeling pretty. 

Am far from fully loving myself and accepting all my curves and edges but am willing to take that journey for me. To fully love and respect my body, make healthier choices and be a more confident aunt to my nieces :) 

Walking home from work...

As I got off the bus I noticed 4 young men coming behind me, laughing probably minding their own business with no ill intentions on their minds. But I panicked. There is a short cut I use to get home from the bus stage; the small dusty path is between a maize field and a school brick fence. I am always conscious about any person walking behind me when I use that path, I usually do side glances every second just to check if anyone is following me. And just to stay safe I run to the end of the path till I am in the clear again. I have probably always done this, unconsciously or not. I always feel unsafe even in the day light when I am walking alone. But I use this path daily and I panic every damn time. 

So today I wondered, WHY AM I PANICKING? 

Well I know the answers and the stories behind them. Stories of young women being robbed, raped, sexually harassed, groped you name it all. It all happens in dusty small unsafe paths like the one I use. But I use it anyways. This is the reality of most young women, girls and women not only in Malawi but all over Africa and the world. Somehow we don’t feel safe in the same world we all live in. We are humans like anyone else, we pay our taxes, we do a lot of the community development work, take care of everyone; family or not but somehow the very same people we live and grow up with, the very same young men, are a danger to us. And they can harm us at any point in our lives no matter who we are. I find this very preposterous.  

But it is the reality and I am told I have to live with it and “prevent” it. 

So this feeling and conversation in my head took me back to a chat I had with one of my friends who came to visit, she is a journalist by profession. She told me that one day when she was coming from lunch and walking back to her office a man sexually harassed her. And I say sexually harassed because in simple terms that’s what it was. Although she didn’t use that term but that’s what he did. He plainly told her “Wachita mwayi wafika kale ku ofesi kwako koma mavalidwe amenewa tizakuchindani nawo.” (Loosely translated to-“You lucky you already near your office but this kind of dressing would get you fucked.”) Now even the words he used are big offensive words you hear no one say. People have more polite ways to say it but he meant it the exact way he said it. He said it like that using that very offensive cursing word to get his point through, the simple point that he has power. Period. 

So I sit here and I ask myself, who gave all this power to these men that they think they can throw around threats of raping girls in broad day light with pride in their eyes? Somehow, somewhere things went wrong. Because we have all these men around town sexually harassing women and have no respect for the women’s bodies; they think (read know) they have the power to do whatever they want with a woman’s body. My body. That thought alone sends chills down my spine. I feel vulnerable, unsafe, unprotected, uncared for.

But it is the reality and I am told I have to live with it and “prevent” it. 

So am finally home, by the gate and I look back as those four young men turn the other way, laughing, probably minding their own business and with no clue how they just made me feel.